why do these things need titles anyway?

we have returned to me only blogging when things suck... really badly... and i have someone i want to say but i don't think anyone will actually care when i say it so it comes out here. i think this post is going to be more name names ish than it usually is but what can ya do, right?

i feel so distant from everyone but i'm not sure why. tonight i was out w/ friends just chillin from 6-11 and those 5 hours were an effort not to run back to hiding in my room all along. i've once again turned into one of those weird kids who would much prefer to spend my time alone at the computer talking to people through that than actually being with people. i'm afraid this is because i live so far away from people... even though it's only 1.25 miles. what am i going to do when i live many miles from my friends? it's going to happen at some point... it has to. i'm not going to live with my entire pack of college friends for the rest of my life.

i'm also slightly panicked about the fact that i don't know what i want to do when i graduate. at this point i almost want to go to grad school to simply postpone going into the real world for a little while longer and realizing that i can't do anything but be a secratary (not that i'm knocking being a secratary but i've done that sort of shit before and i don't really find it particularly fulfilling). the things i want to do, i'm too broken to do successfully and everything else, i'm simply unqualified for or simply don't want to do it. i'm really terrified that i'm going to end up hating my life forever which is terrifying it and people telling me not to worry b/c i'm a junior and have another year makes it worse... significantly... not better. i want to know what direction i'm heading in. wandering aimlessly through life is making me really anxious and jittery.

i haven't talked to most of my friends in australia in so long. i'm more than slightly worried a lot of them have forgotten me. i keep wanting to go back but i know that won't solve any of my problems b/c while i can't remember most of these times, i know i was deeply unhappy there, and it was not an unfrequent occurance. but i just chose to remember the happier moments instead which means that i've convinced myself that life was so much better there, which is clearly completely false. it was about the same, it just had a beach. what if i can't be happy anywhere? maybe i should just do what mr. manhattan did and go to mars. that would be better. then it would be enforced solitude and i wouldn't feel the need to do anything about it.

i can't even figure out what i'm doing at the end of the semester. i need to find a job but can't make myself apply. i just don't think i can make myself deal w/ the changes that are coming. erin is graduating but that won't be that big of a deal since she's staying in the district. the bigger issue right now is that mark is going home, as he should, at the end of the semester. he has become my tripp. and for any of you who knew me during my tripp phase, you know that this is not a good thing for me. i don't even know what's going through my head at this point so i suppose it is time to end this blog entry.

days 'til birthday: 56