why do these things need titles anyway?

we have returned to me only blogging when things suck... really badly... and i have someone i want to say but i don't think anyone will actually care when i say it so it comes out here. i think this post is going to be more name names ish than it usually is but what can ya do, right?

i feel so distant from everyone but i'm not sure why. tonight i was out w/ friends just chillin from 6-11 and those 5 hours were an effort not to run back to hiding in my room all along. i've once again turned into one of those weird kids who would much prefer to spend my time alone at the computer talking to people through that than actually being with people. i'm afraid this is because i live so far away from people... even though it's only 1.25 miles. what am i going to do when i live many miles from my friends? it's going to happen at some point... it has to. i'm not going to live with my entire pack of college friends for the rest of my life.

i'm also slightly panicked about the fact that i don't know what i want to do when i graduate. at this point i almost want to go to grad school to simply postpone going into the real world for a little while longer and realizing that i can't do anything but be a secratary (not that i'm knocking being a secratary but i've done that sort of shit before and i don't really find it particularly fulfilling). the things i want to do, i'm too broken to do successfully and everything else, i'm simply unqualified for or simply don't want to do it. i'm really terrified that i'm going to end up hating my life forever which is terrifying it and people telling me not to worry b/c i'm a junior and have another year makes it worse... significantly... not better. i want to know what direction i'm heading in. wandering aimlessly through life is making me really anxious and jittery.

i haven't talked to most of my friends in australia in so long. i'm more than slightly worried a lot of them have forgotten me. i keep wanting to go back but i know that won't solve any of my problems b/c while i can't remember most of these times, i know i was deeply unhappy there, and it was not an unfrequent occurance. but i just chose to remember the happier moments instead which means that i've convinced myself that life was so much better there, which is clearly completely false. it was about the same, it just had a beach. what if i can't be happy anywhere? maybe i should just do what mr. manhattan did and go to mars. that would be better. then it would be enforced solitude and i wouldn't feel the need to do anything about it.

i can't even figure out what i'm doing at the end of the semester. i need to find a job but can't make myself apply. i just don't think i can make myself deal w/ the changes that are coming. erin is graduating but that won't be that big of a deal since she's staying in the district. the bigger issue right now is that mark is going home, as he should, at the end of the semester. he has become my tripp. and for any of you who knew me during my tripp phase, you know that this is not a good thing for me. i don't even know what's going through my head at this point so i suppose it is time to end this blog entry.

days 'til birthday: 56

sunshine and daisies!

so i figured it was just about time to write a blog post when i wasn't sitting here having a self-pity party.

it is an absolutely beautiful day outside. it's warm and the sun is out and it's just amazing.

i had a fantastic day today. i have finally realized that i have awesome friends and that bad moods pass (even if they take 2 months to do so). i swear, i was almost in (happy) tears this morning when i was reading the comments that people were making on my 25 things note (see facebook if you're curious). i am also remembering why it is that i actually liked college in the first place and reassessing how hard this semester is REALLY going to be. i don't really have anything else to say but i figured since i tell you all when i'm in a bad mood i'd like to let you know that life is pretty fucking sweet right now. :-)

days till my birthday: 102

taking life one day at a time.

i am so sick of college at this point but i realized that the things that are pissing me off about college are the things that are going to piss me off in the real world so graduating early wouldn't help, even if i could do it. and trust me, i thought about it. but, in order to graduate early, i would have to give up on my honors degree and after making it this far, i am definitely not going to give that up, but i might switch from getting an honors in psychology to getting general honors. my parents are having trouble understanding this concept but whatever.

i really wish i could graduate a semester early and just go back to australia for a few months before jumping into real life but i took a look at my bank account today... the odds of me being able to go back in the next 5 years are pretty slim, especially since i'm going to have to start paying my own rent soon. i like to play like i am actually a grown up but i honestly don't know what i'm gonna do when i graduate and moving back home is absolutely positively not an option. the best solution would clearly be to find a sugar daddy to worry about these things for me ;-).

i swear there are positive things in my life atm but none of them are incesantly on my mind so they just don't seem to make it onto my blog but i swear that my life is not nearly as depressing as it sounds.

days till my birthday: 105

i have so many things i want to say to so many different people and no words to say them.

i don't know what i am doing with my life but for the first time i really just don't want to be in dc and it has nothing to do with school work. i almost feel like missing my friends from UOW so much is a betrayal to my friends here but i want to take all of them with me wherever i end up. it might just be that i'm having trouble readjusting after being abroad but what if it's not?

so i have decided for certain that i am not going to grad school immediately after i graduate AU. i don't know what i AM going to do, but there is plenty of time to worry about that.

my point kind of faded out but i think these are particularly important thoughts atm.

days until my b-day: 120

i made it!

so everyone will be happy to know that i have made it back to the district and got a significant amount of my packing done. my room is huge and big enough to 2 air mattresses on the floor so every single one of you should come visit me! loveyouwithmouth kthnxbai!

days till i go back to dc: -1!
days till i turn 21: 134

happy 2009!

so we have finally survived 2008. it's been a typical year in the life of heather with ups and downs but there were lots of notable things that happened from the last time all my AU friends are at uni together to my adventure down under to deciding to move to a house off campus. but i suppose that most of you already know about what's happened over the past year.

i've spent a fair bit of time hanging out w/ my sister (like we part ways to sleep and that's just about it) and her friends. they're good people, i'm pretty fond of them... even if they do remind me of the aussies i miss like crazy. which brings me to my next thought. i've noticed that if you are constantly listening to someone talk about how much they miss other people, it kind of makes you feel like crap. also, familial approval is highly overrated.

it's getting to that time of the break where i'm torn between wanting it to last forever and wanting it to be over 2 weeks ago. it's weird to think that 1 week from now i will be enjoying my lunch break between classes back at AU. my masterful head games have worked once again and i forgot how much i have really missed being in dc. i'm thinking that about half of you reading this already know how wonderful dc is and miss it yourself but for the other half, i highly recommend visiting. it's certainly better than canberra :-) (although i know this is no great feat).

i've also come to terms with the fact that my employment options when i graduate are going to be slim and coming up with plans b - q so i can support myself. maybe i'll go back to australia for a while or tour europe. who knows. stupid economy. the only good thing about it is that these are the lowest prices i've paid for gas ever. however this doesn't really matter since i don't really have a car anymore and when i do drive, i generally drive my dad's car. it has the better gps meaning i get less epically lost. i really absolutely hate driving and i think i am destined to live in a city simply to avoid the necessity of a car, although i have discovered some new routes to and from places i go all the time around here.

so i figure i'll end this with some of my new years resolutions:
1. take care of myself... properly
2. figure out my post-grad plan
3. get out of nj... for real
4. stay in touch with everyone who's far from me
5. read at least one pleasure book a month
6. don't take myself too seriously
7. don't take anyone else too seriously either
8. eat at least 2 meals a day
9. sleep during human hours for human amounts of time
10. get more involved in hobbies and not just things that will look good on a resume
11. take advantage of any and all opportunities to see friends who are far away
12. don't worry TOO much about my bank account
13. give people reasons to come visit me at my house
14. walk all the way from AU if it's light out
15. don't panic

well i think that's a pretty impressive list of resolutions... i'll reassess in a month, see how many i've broken at that point

days till i go back to AU: 4
days till i turn 21: 139

'tis the season...

so hannukah has officially become completely secularized in my house. we lit candles and had latkes on the first night when family was here and that's it. we opened all of our presents that day too. my parents are definitely working to beat out the last bits of religion mel and i have left but what can ya do.

we had a very merry christmas. we went to go see the tale of desperaux in the theaters mid-afternoon which means that there were many many kids there. i have no problem w/ kids. they babble a little during the movie but they are generally quietly enough. however some dumbasses don't understand that there is a difference between children and infants. there was this kid sitting behind us that wasn't even old enough to talk in complete sentences and so he was babbling and being generally loud and dad turned around to give her a REALLY dirty look and so she starts yammering at him and he yammers back and the rest of us are shrinking in our seats until he runs out to get security and she starts screaming that he just thinks he's gonna get his way b/c he's white and she's black and calling him an ignorant, idiotic, racist until she did get escorted out. so much for peace and goodwill, huh?

so i have been slowly working on cleaning my room and getting ready to go back to dc. even though i've done this twice before at this point, i still find new stuff that i need to get. gah... oh well.

so i have discovered that if you bitch about your home life enough, people are not going to particularly jump at the prospect of coming to visit you. how unfortunate. i really kind of want a few certain people to come visit me but i'm pretty sure at least 1 won't for that exact reason. oh well.

oh, and my dad decided i was the poster child for keeping the drinking age in this country 21 b/c i can't be bothered to track down the alcohol to drink that often here but in oz i would go out and have a good time and not think twice about it. gah...

days till i go back to dc: 12
days till i turn 21: 146